CHAPTER 1
”…so anyway, at long last the prevaricating old goat stops messing around and finally gets to the point.”
“It turns out the statue has been stolen by some band of Chinese villains, and he’s charged me with the task of returning the worthless lump of junk back to its shrine before the thieves spirit the thing across the Yellow Sea and deliver it to that degenerate in Xanadu who's presently corrupting the harmony of the Pleasure Dome with his odorous garlic breath.”
The companions seated around the young daimyo in “The House of Heavenly Joy Karaoke Bar & Snooker Hall” pull on wispy beards with due contemplation.
“This sounds like a most reprehensible plot Yamaha-san. Everyone knows the Khan-of-Khan’s is scheming to launch an invasion next summer, and the simple peasant classes have been persuaded for centuries that the only way the Prophecy of the Kamikaze can save sacred Jap-oon is if the statue is inserted into its designated slot at the Shrine of Everlasting Fame and then correctly aligned in the same conjunctional celestial orbit as the rising sun.”
Author’s Note: Phew, am I glad to get that rather obvious plot device over with...
Bewilderment chases across the face of another officer seated at the table, “By Shinto....not the....Kamikaze Prophesy?” he splutters. “Surely no intelligent samurai believes that superstitious old fairy tale nowadays?”
“Indubitably,” declares the slightly-out-of-his-depth commander. “It’s all immensely irrational of course, but in these perilous times it seems we’re clutching at any straw that can provide fleeting hope for the gullible masses to cling onto.”
“Anyway, I was then instructed to form a Company of Seven, the traditional number, to retrieve the statue from the sticky-fingered gang of thieves and return the thing back to whence it belongs. You three, as representatives of the samurai officer class, are to be my captains."
"....and the other members of our happy little band are to be? Lord Yamaha?" queries the third and habitually awkward member of the young daimyo’s companions.
"Well, for occasional comic relief, my one-eyed dog “Jack” is included of course, but I'm afraid our illustrious Commander-in-Chief is also insisting Lady Kittan tags along with us."
To gasps of incredulous disbelief, Yamaha continues, "In one of his less tedious and almost amusing moments, he disclosed he's being hard pressed by those quite unbearable harridans on the committee for gender equality, who've been loudly clamoring that an onna-bugeisha must be assigned onto the mission team. They claim the statue commemorates a woman warrior; therefore a woman warrior has to be involved in the quest."
"The logic escapes me, but Majesty claims he must acquiesce to their strident petitions in order to restore harmony within the Imperial Citadel and create a sense of national unity among the rustics in the provinces. And all this while the entire fate of Jap-oon teeters on the brink? It’s unbelievable. And then he added we should consider ourselves extremely lucky we’re not being saddled with some height-challenged ashigaru as well, because that’s yet another equal rights committee addling his brain at the moment.”
“Indeed you totally should be so lucky, my friends”, purrs a soft voice as sensuous beauty slides onto the bench seat.
She’s in her early twenties and although only mischievous eyes can be perceived over the edge of her fan, the sense of one intimately familiar with the weapons of warriors is unmistakable; as well as the more subtle arsenal exclusive to those of her gender.
“Lady Kittan-sama, you honor us with your presence. Allow me to introduce Captains Suzuki, Honda and Kawasaki. Have you previously been acquainted with my esteemed subordinates?”
“Why Lord Yamaha, I have totally known these three extremely commendable officers on several exceedingly meritorious occasions, although not all concurrently you understand,” explains the Kyoto valley girl, in somewhat unnecessary detail.
“But we are like, not here to discuss that. I have been instructed to present you all to our seventh companion; my own introduction being something of a memorable experience indeed.” The girl rolls her eyes dramatically, “And I also obtained valued insights from him regarding the robber band." She pauses with a slight shake of that air-filled head. "Regrettably both he and his incredible story are like, rather less than inspiring.”
Drawing nearer in true conspirator fashion, the four samurai pay diligent attention to Kittan’s report, while also taking the opportunity to admire more closely the exquisite design and tasteful tailoring of her brand new outfit from the latest, and outrageously expensive, Maki Muni Autumn Collection; the astonishing upper construction attracting especial interest.
“After your own interview, I myself was called to the audience chamber to, hmm, confirm my mission credentials. As you very well know, any like, prolonged discussion with rambling Divinity is totally a guaranteed cure for insomnia and the only way I could stay awake was by observing the entertaining activities engaged in by the vice-chancellor and a young concubine, who were playing some kind of by-numbers game within an alcove at the back of the hall.”
“However, my interest was piqued to learn that the seventh member of our fellowship is to be a round-eye, sent from the court of Kublai Khan himself, ostensibly to provide diplomatic services and like, impart all he knows about the thieves. I do admit, the mere thought of that fat tyrant sending us such an obvious spy was faintly amusing, and I was certainly in a state of excited anticipation at the prospect of teaming up with the dashing Latin blade we’ve all heard about....and who by all accounts is totally supposed to be so like....hot.”
She pauses, allowing tension to increase, “Well, I could not have been more wrong! To my intense disappointment he’s totally not Marco Polo.”
“I had become increasingly aware of the most discordant din reverberating throughout the Imperial Citadel. Then, when the palace flunky slid the door back? Well....in lurched what might have been a ginger monkey wearing totally the most unfashionable kimono I’ve ever seen – made of something called wool.”
Her avid audience is now clearly demonstrating impeccable manners; shaking their heads and empathizing in her horrible ordeal.
“It resembled a frightening vision from all corners of the forty-seven hells; with a strangely fashioned katana slung in a baldric over one shoulder, the aforementioned totally weird kimono, an enormous flask of some kind being brandished in one hand and what looked like a multi-colored upside-down sheep tucked under the other arm – which was emitting the most distressing uproar of squeaks, squeals and droning wails. I actually wondered if the Great Khan was like, playing some kind of joke on us and had sent the ugliest madman he could get his soiled hands on.”
Suppressing a shudder, the young noblewoman continues, “Without gaining leave to do so, the common brute then began grunting and growling at Majesty in quite the most guttural and barely comprehensible Jap-oon accent....the guards actually began showing signs of alarm....and while his name is utterly unpronounceable it seemed to sound something like Herri’t’Heed.”
“He isn’t even a Latin. He’s some kind of aboriginal from the mountainous northern region of a semi-mythical and invariably mist-shrouded island out in the Western Sea which is like, beyond the ken of civilized cartographers. The Jesuits say that the women of this utterly miserable place are renowned for their beauty, but have bad teeth. It’s also whispered that even Ladies of the Noble Class are quite outrageously profane – and habitually unchaste,” Kittan sniffs, although it’s left somewhat unclear whether it’s the vulgar language of these unsophisticated ladies or it’s their shamelessly indiscreet lifestyles that meets with her disapproval.
With a soldiers wit that makes his companions grin, Kawasaki quips, “Noble ladies of any kind always raise my interest”, flashing a knowing glance at the girl, “and I for one would welcome a sparring session with any of these barbaric doxie’s once they’ve had their claws removed and taken a bath. I wonder if Kublai has any of them hidden away in his various Chinese palaces, or if this ginger monkey happens to be one of these same slatterns disguised as a man – you mentioned him wearing some kind of kimono Kittan-sama?”
Grinning wickedly herself now, she retorts, “More like a kind of sarong of many colors, Kawasaki-kun, and having carried out due investigation, I can confirm he’s totally not female.”
“But you'll be able to ascertain what he is for yourself. I’ve arranged a rendezvous with the uncouth lout tonight. He’s lodging at the Inn of the Sixth Happiness. Shall we go now, because I totally want to be there when he like, relates the scoop that rendered both I and the Emperor speechless.”
“Hmm, the Inn of the Sixth Happiness is well known to be a debauched bawdy-house located in the most flea-bitten and lower-class slum of Kyoto, Kittan-sama,” cautions Yamaha, “and overseen by a wicked Jesuit missionary called Gladys, of whom many distasteful tales are told. Are you certain a high-born Lady ought to risk her reputation being seen there?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to miss this meeting for the world Yamaha-san.” She retorts with a girlish giggle. “Just a word of caution though; as I mentioned, he carries an enormous flask filled with the most astonishing saki I’ve ever tried. It’s like liquid fire, and packs a kick similar to that from a Zen Buddhist’s pet mule. After like one or two goblets I began feeling the most peculiar sensation, just as I must imagine some loose woman of the street might experience after a profitable night out on the town. I’m afraid that after we left the Imperial Palace and the fresh air hit me, I do confess that the rest of the evening totally passed in somewhat of a blur.”
The girl’s dancing eyes hide behind her fan as she recalls “somewhat blurred” flashbacks.
Quickly covering wry amusement, the young general slaps the board and jerks, “Let us betake ourselves off then, and get acquainted with our curious new comrade…”
TO BE CONTINUED…