I apologise for the lenghthy posts.I know that I hate reading through the mountain of words that other members leave from time to time. There's just so much that has happened, and it's hard to collect my thoughts let alone put them in order, or in a short order form. I did go to the vet once when she was a month old for her shots and I would've taken her again, but since she was so far gone he would've only suggested that we put her down. I insisted on going, but my old lady thought that there wouldn't be any more that they could do that we could. Which I don't understand since if you love someone that you do all you can and treat the situation with a sense of urgency, not a lackadasical attitude!
Blacksheep - no offence taken. I understand what you mean perfectly. Don't sweat it! I'm just ***ed off at everything right now, and even the slightest thing sets me off. I had to go buy a bandsaw to cut the wood for the coffin I made for Weepy. I was standing in line at Harbor Freight waiting to check out when one employee said "This lane is open. I can take someone here". Of course we had to race against time since Weepy was already dead for over twelve hours now. She was starting to smell when I got up that morning to wrap her in her burial shroud. Everyone just stood there like they had their thumbs up their butts, so I said "Some people just can't get a clue!" I wasn't trying to be rude, but some jackass in line just HAD to make a Federal case of it! I didn't say a word to him, but I've been bitter, and lashing out since then. I don't know what to do. My baby died FIGHTING FOR BREATH! Her heart had stopped then and her lungs were shutting down. I couldn't help her, nor save her!! I felt powerless then, and I feel powerless now.
I didn't want to say anything now, but I held Weepy when I was getting ready to wrap her in what she would wear forever for the last time while I was crying my eyes out. I held her up to my face and just cried! I just can't stand it! I'll always have the image of her dying in my memory as long as I live. That's one of those things that you don't simply forget no matter how much time has passed. It still hurts now as much as when it first happened.
I felt the end coming thursday since I hadn't eaten anything since before Weepy died and I only drank a small amount of liquid - just enough to barely sustain life, but I forced myself to eat a little bit and I felt guilty doing it the entire time. I still feel guilty now. I put her in the coffin that I made, and dyed pink. I put this inside a plastic Menards' bag then inside another taped shut on one end so that nothing would get in it. Then I placed this inside a plastic garbage bag and put red bricks around her to keep animals from getting to her until her body can decompose. In the meantime I'll make a masoleum for her final resting place.
I don't know how much more of this I can take either physically, or mentally. I dream about her when I close my eyes, and I STILL look down at the floor every morning looking for her when I get up, when I go to the bathroom, when I come home, etc. I didn't cry like this when my cousin died. I didn't cry like this when my Grandmother died - either one of them. And I was close to my Grandmother!
All I can think about is when she would come up to me, and wave her tiny paw up and down in anticipation for me to feed her as she would stand between my feet. This isn't something that you can simply teach an animal to do - she just did it! She also did this when she wanted me to pick her up, and put her on the couch and pet her. She would switch paws when I didn't go fast enough. She would stop when I looked up, but when I looked down at her again she would do it again. Then she would drink in circles lapping up the tiny blobs of unmixed formula at the bottom of the saucer I fed her from. One time she stretched out purring as I would pet her head, and ribs, and smile while laying on the couch next to me. She even made sucking sounds when she was really happy. She was truly one of a kind! Don't get me wrong - I've raised cats for years none of the ever did that! We've had birds, dogs, fish, rabbits, squirrels, and just about every animal you can think of including an alligator, and a snake that my friend had, but none of them were as cute, or had the personality, and gentle, patient sweetness that Weepy Baby did. We were truly, ultimately blessed to have her!
If you have the time - PLEASE read all my posts again very carefully. I didn't know that I had so many typos, and punctuation errors since I couldn't see straight, or think straight! I'm going to log off for now. Maybe Monday I'll come back with some pictures for others to see Weepys' coffin, and her funeral garb. I'm working on my X-wing slowly as I'm trying to get back to work as to keep myself distracted instead of boming the forums in the hope of bring myself back to reality. My state of mind isn't great right now and I don't want to be a wet blanket for everyone. Thank you all for reading. I know you ALL mean well. I do appreciate all your comments greatly - more than you'll ever know!
~ Cobra Chris