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Mental pain

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  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Mental pain
Posted by armor 2.0 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:14 PM

I don' know how to start other than I live  with my elderly 83yr old mother who owns a house and has 2 acre of grass to mow she also burn wood for heat and there no way she could handle this on her own .if I leave she will have to sell the place.My problem mentally I can' take her mental abuse any longer I have run out of ways to deal with it use to build model to escape from it I'm at the point now I don' want to do that.Everytime I say I'm going move I feel guilty and don' do it and the verbal abuse continues .What do I do.

  • Member since
    July, 2004
  • From: Sunny So. Cal... The OC
Posted by stikpusher on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:20 PM

I’d suggest an honest polite talk between the two of you. Tell her that the way she speaks to you makes you wish to live elsewhere. And remind her that she needs you assistance to continue living there. 

No matter how much we love and care for our parents, we are no good to them if we are driven away. In the end you have to do what’s best for yourself  if you can not tolerate how things are there now and they do not change.

 

F is for FIRE, That burns down the whole town!

U is for URANIUM... BOMBS!

N is for NO SURVIVORS...

       - Plankton

LSM

 

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:30 PM

I'e tried talking it' pretty much a no win situation .

  • Member since
    September, 2012
Posted by GMorrison on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:32 PM

That's good advice from Stik. One thing I'd add is that at that age most people don't change. Hold that thought while you guys work things out. She needs you and you want to take care of her. It becomes more of a bargain that a reconciliation. Is there any way you can get a caregiver? There are plenty of good folks who will do that in return for a place to live.

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:46 PM

Yes caregiver would be a opton I just don' know how long it would last not putting my mother down she can get pretty mean verbally.

  • Member since
    July, 2004
  • From: Sunny So. Cal... The OC
Posted by stikpusher on Saturday, April 28, 2018 1:56 PM

We took care of my mother and after that my mother in law as each died from cancer. Like GM said, at that age, people don’t change their ways and are not likely to hold back as they speak their mind. 

Now, I have seen too many elderly people die alone and ignored in a facility, so I was gonna be damned if that happened to my mother. Or even my mother in law, with whom I had a very adversarial relationship for many of the early years of our courtship and marriage. So it was grin and bear it at times.

You have to decide how much you let the words bother you. In my careers I’ve been called every name in the book, sometimes true, sometimes not. Of course coming from mom they do carry more weight, but if you’re doing the right thing, it makes that easier to endure. 

A caregiver or helper coming in to provide you some space and time away is a ideal option. Just be careful of screening the person if you do go the live in route. They are far easier to bring in than get rid of legally...

 

F is for FIRE, That burns down the whole town!

U is for URANIUM... BOMBS!

N is for NO SURVIVORS...

       - Plankton

LSM

 

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 2:10 PM

Stik you hit the nail on the head it' the words that tear me apart no how hard I try self talk to myself that she don' mean what she saying it doesn' help.I would never move a care giver in partime would definitely be a option. I have a younger brother and sister but they choose to only come around about once every 6mths  for a few hours and there gone.

Thanks GMC and STIK

 

  • Member since
    January, 2013
Posted by BlackSheepTwoOneFour on Saturday, April 28, 2018 2:55 PM

Have you tried looking into assisted living in nursing homes? This might be something to look into especially when she can’t care for herself. Assisted living will provide her with meals and activities daily. Plus a chance to make friends with resident members.

  • Member since
    December, 2015
  • From: providence ,r.i.
Posted by templar1099 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 3:09 PM

BlackSheepTwoOneFour

Have you tried looking into assisted living in nursing homes? This might be something to look into especially when she can’t care for herself. Assisted living will provide her with meals and activities daily. Plus a chance to make friends with resident members.

 


I agree,but I would start with a social worker to come in and assess the situation and evaluate your viable options,you can then detremine what actions to take. This may require you to become your mothers legal guardian if other family members aren't pulling their weight. Remember that whatever course you take it must be in your mothers best interests. Just my 2 cents.

"le plaisir delicieux et toujours nouveau d'une occupation inutile"

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Saturday, April 28, 2018 3:27 PM

 

 

 
BlackSheepTwoOneFour

Have you tried looking into assisted living in nursing homes? This might be something to look into especially when she can’t care for herself. Assisted living will provide her with meals and activities daily. Plus a chance to make friends with resident members.

 

 

 


I agree,but I would start with a social worker to come in and assess the situation and evaluate your viable options,you can then detremine what actions to take. This may require you to become your mothers legal guardian if other family members aren't pulling their weight. Remember that whatever course you take it must be in your mothers best interests. Just my 2 cents.

 

[/quote] It will be in her best interest I'll suffer before she does

  • Member since
    April, 2003
  • From: USA
Posted by keavdog on Saturday, April 28, 2018 4:24 PM

I don't recall the exact name of the organization but its something like Angles for the elderly or Volunteer Senior Visitors - in any case, perhaps another person around periodically to interact will change the mix of things for you.

Lost my mom to cancer a couple years back, but she was pleasant - just terribly forgetful, like goldfish forgetful.

Anyhow - its tough, I too was 1 of 4 siblings that took care of my mom (e.g. the others didn't) and while it was a trying time, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Thanks,

John

  • Member since
    July, 2013
Posted by modelmaker66 on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:05 AM

I understand your pain and conflicted feelings. My mother always was sick and difficult. Long story  short is that they gave her Valium for pain and was on it 30 years until my dad died and she couldn't manage her med intake and had to go into treatment at 70 to stop. My mother moved in with my family. I had the best intentions and I will suppose she did too. Unfortunately she beacame angry, combative, abusive and impossible to live with. After a few years of this we realized that although it was not the wanted outcome, an elder care facility was needed. To be honest it was great for my family and my mother. She got proper care, was dignosed bipolar and was forced to take the proper meds and treatment. The last couple years with her were the best in my 45 years with her. I pray for you and her and the best for your family. I took mom in out of compassion and because I was raised that way and had a lot of guiilt when I had her go in the home. Now I feel that that was the most loving thing for her and my family. And for myself. Hard to live with all her life but I showed her the love and care that was best for her and loved and cared for my self and family too.

Please know you are understood here and that we wish you the best. Please let us know how it works out.

  • Member since
    September, 2012
Posted by GMorrison on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:30 AM

Issues with meds cannot be underestimated.

Find out what she's taking. Intrude into her privacy as much as you need to. Look for stuff hidden in the house. Find out who's prescribing and go take on whatever you can get out of them. It'a challenge with hipaa, but it has to be done.

My sister and I worked together to take this on. One parent was getting Norco and Ambien from three different doctors who had no knowledge of each other. All of the games that you've ever heard of were going on.

Once we got that under control, and canned two of the three docs, the home situation stabilized a little, although it was pretty abusive. My sister or I took turns going to ALL Dr. appointments, and doling out the meds. That's when we found that stuff was hidden around the house.

We had an in-home 9-5 caregiver for about a year until our father started falling. Our mother tried to hide it, but after a Life Alert call and a third trip to the ER, the social workers really came down on us.

We got them in AL, then our father in MC. When he died, our mother was just at the point to go into MC.

She's there now. It works fine, she needs the care, and between my sister and I we can keep the drama to a minimum.

- stabilize meds.

- stabilize home situation.

- make plans for next steps.

- make your siblings recognize what the challenges are.

- get a will/ trust if you don't have one. It's not expensive if you all decide not to fight with each other.

- You need a financial responsible party, and a health directive manager.

Story of our lives.

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Sunday, April 29, 2018 7:03 AM

Thanks for all the advice everyone it really heLPS my brain has been going in so many direction that I don' know which ends up . I been having some major mood swings myself not with mom with everybody else .Something has to change.soon

  • Member since
    December, 2002
  • From: Fort Knox
Posted by Rob Gronovius on Sunday, April 29, 2018 11:39 AM

There are organizations that can assist you in dealing with an elderly parent.

  • Member since
    August, 2012
  • From: Parker City, IN.
Posted by Rambo on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:07 PM
My mother-in-law is going through something similar right now her mom had a stroke and it kinda messed with her plus she only has one leg from diabetes. Any way she couldn't take care of her plus my wife's older sister who has autism so ended up putting her on a nursing home and things are alot better she's getting the care she needs and my mother-in-law just lives a few miles from the home and she's down there every day for a few hours things are great now. But now the state has came in demanding that all her assets be liquidated. My MNL got a lawyer and got that stoped and got it that one of the houses she owns with 2.5 acres continue to be used as a rental and the state gets all income from it after maintenance and the house she was living in also be turned into a rental. Then all money goes into something called a Miller trust. The lawyer set it all up but with out him the state would of ended up with everything, something to think about if you need to go that direction I know you've hit a rough patch but we all wish you the best.

Clint

  • Member since
    May, 2013
  • From: Indiana, USA
Posted by Greg on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:14 PM

Don't forget to take care of yourself first.

2 cents

 

-Greg

  • Member since
    May, 2017
  • From: ohio I want to leave
Posted by armor 2.0 on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:54 PM

Thanks guys the support mean alot.

  • Member since
    September, 2003
  • From: AandF in the Badger State
Posted by checkmateking02 on Sunday, April 29, 2018 2:24 PM

armor:  very sorry to hear of the difficulties you're experiencing with your elderly mother.  It very often isn't at all easy.

Does your county have a Commission on Aging, or similar government entity?  The counties in Wisconsin maintain them, plus a state-appointed ombudsman to assist.  I've worked closely over the years with our local, county agency, and they are very helpful in assisting with diagnoses and connecting people with available resources.  If your county has such an entity, it might prove helpful.

Hope things begin to go better for you.

Nulla Rosa Sine Spina

 

 

 

  • Member since
    June, 2014
  • From: New Braunfels , Texas
Posted by Tanker - Builder on Wednesday, May 02, 2018 7:55 AM

Armor 2.0 ;

 Listen here ! I know where you are coming from . I went through this with both my Wives . " May they have the peace they never found in those last years ." I did everything I could , and still was cursed and belittled every step of the way .With mine it was trauma triggered Dementia . I knew this , But that didn't make it any better .

 There were nights I fell into an alcoholic fog , And woke up paying that bill .There were others where I just cried myself to sleep . I think , as much for them as for me .

 I couldn't afford caregivers or a facility .But They both peacefully passed in my arms .

 What I wouldn't give now to have one of them back ! . Try your best and remember she's still the one who carried this foriegn object inside her for nine months , You ! . She is closer to you than anyone else .

 Her tongue may be harsh , but somewhere inside she knows this isn't right but cannot help herself . It's hard to explain , but you will persevere . remember this too . No matter how well you succeeded in life , if it wasn't what she wanted for you , it will always disappoint her that you didn't listen .

 One other thing .Your siblings .They will stay away rather than deal with this with you .But God help you , when Mom passes , they will fight you tooth and nail for what's left .My kids did ! My brother and sister were mellow about it .They didn't know about it till after the fact .

 

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