On The Lighter Side.

The best part of that is some of it is realy true. 

Lurch, when you get to be my age, you'll find out that it's ALL true. 

Stay safe.

Jim 

One more to include:

Remember, the controls on your toaster are connected to absolutely nothing.

Patrick

Very true Patrick, but it's difficult to understand why when I'm finally holding all the cards, does everyone want to play chess? 

Stay safe.

Jim 

Hey Fox!

 Stop following me around and writing about it,LOL,LOL,LOL!

Well, I think that I can honestly say that I have 4 of us smiling, so, would you care to see if we can keep this going? I have quite a few of these little bits of wisdom that I would be happy to share. If you have some, share them with us 1, 2, or 3 at a time. With all the rediculous stuff going on in the world today maybe we can be a small bright spot that will spread. If not, we tried. Life is too short and friends are too few.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Did you know that ham and eggs is a days work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Stay safe.

Jim 

Yes for mee about all of it true! Thank you and yes a big laugh and smile!

Smiling? Oh, You Betchya!

OK, here's a few more. 

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Stay safe.

Jim 

And a few more.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

And finally for today; Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Feel free to use any of the above on someone you think deserves it. Anybody got any to add? I know there are millions of these funny one-liners out there, and thats only the ones that we can safely use.

Stay safe.

Jim 

Hey!

 Alright now! This has got me cracking up!

 Problem ! Many more cracks and I'll fall apart! Luv it and keep it up !

Why did the armadillo cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

What do they call an armadillo in Lousiiana? Possum on the half shell.

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

My eyesight is so bad, I can't even see paying taxes.

Why do 747's have the big hump over the nose? So the Captains can sit on their wallets.

I'm so broke if it cost a nickel to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.

Do you ever get the feeling life is a tuxedo, and you're a pair of brown shoes? (George Goebel, on the Tonight Show.)

Patrick

What's a speed bump in Texas? An Armidillo!

Lol, lol, lol, lol. That's more like it guys. Keep them coming.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

That's all for now. More later. As a comedian once said (I can't remember his name right now), "I've got a million of 'em". And another one said "The best is yet to come".

Stay safe.

Jim 

What do you call a fish with two knees? A twoknee fish.

Reportedly a true story, if not it's still a good one. Two policemen on patrol in a department cruiser at night, at a red light waiting to proceed straight ahead when the light turns green for them. The street they'll be crossing is a one way, from their left to right.

As the light turns green they look in the direction of the traffic to their left, ensuring all cars are stopped at the red light, then they pull ahead to cross the street. After just a few feet a drunk driver going the wrong way, plows right into the passenger door of the cruiser and the guys can't get out, with the drunks car pinning the door closed.

So they both scramble out the drivers door, running around the back to get to the drunks window. Now the crash is about 15 seconds old. The drunk looks out of his window and sees the uniforms and badges, unsteadedly he says, "dang, you guys sure got here quick."

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

The Queen is hosting an African King. As they leave the palace in a horse drawn royal coach, one of the horses lets loose an explosive _art. The Queen is of course mortified, saying "Oh, your Highness, I'm so sorry." The King says, "Oh, I thought it was the horse."   

Patrick

   I like them! I like them!

Ever get the feeling your "stuff" strutted off without you?

I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

And finally for today. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

Stay safe.

Jim 

A friend of mine sent me a few pages of military one-liners. I think I'll stretch these out to 1 or 2 at a time. Some have a book or name of a person that the line is taken from.

From the "Infantry Journal". If the enemy is in range, so are you.

From "U.S. Army Ordnance". Tracers work both ways.

Stay safe.

Jim 

Always try to make good investments. Buy an adding machine, that's what really counts.

"Finally got my head together...but it's way-y-y shinier than I ever intended!" 

Allright, allright, allright.   

"Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S**t!"

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?"  The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - - -Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Stay safe.

Jim 

PS - Keep 'em coming. I got a lot more.

Okay, if we're going to go 'high concept'...

I met a guy who writes music for sewing machines.

He's a Singer/songwriter.

Or sew it seams.... 

(I'll get my hat and coat and leave quietly....)

Great one greg!!!  

My wife was sitting on the couch and asked what I was laughing at. I told her your joke. She's been a seamstress for all her life and thought it was great too. 

U.S. Air Force Manual - It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

General Douglas MacArthur - "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

Stay safe.

Jim 

fox

My wife was sitting on the couch and asked what I was laughing at. I told her your joke. She's been a seamstress for all her life and thought it was great too. 

Happy to serve!

Rather...um...less high-concept, straight-out ripped-off of social media:

What's the last thing "Tickle-me Elmo" gets before he leaves the factory?

Test-tickles. 

I'll stop laughing in about an hour or so.

Infantry Journal - "Five second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.....ONCE."

USAF Ammo Troop - "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

Stay safe.

Jim 

When one engine fails on a twin-engined airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 --- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

Stay safe.

Jim 

A 727 is #2 on the ILS, a Mooney is #!. The 727 is closing too fast on the slower Mooney, so the controller says to the 727 crew, due to slower traffic ahead, make a 360 to the right.

The 727 responds, "do you realize it costs nearly a thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?

The controller: OKAY Sir, give me nearly a thousand dollar turn to the right.

A British Airways 747 is approaching JFK, skunky weather and dense traffic, the controller is unable to issue a lower altitude and JFK is getting closer steadily. The descent should have begun by about 90 miles out.

Finally as the 747 is about 20 miles out the controller asks, "Speedbird 246 are you able to descend 35 thousand feet in the next 15 miles?" The Captain responds: "Well old boy, I'm sure I can, but I'm afraid I cahn't bring the aircrahft with me."

Old stories they have been around since about forever, even if partially true or not at all, still a good laugh.

Patrick

Jim, I hope you're properly ashamed of yourself for enabling my addiction.... 

Ahem.

#1 - What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

#2 - Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

#3 - "Waitress, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"That's funny...it was just ground this morning."

#4 - You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

#5 - My grandfather has the heart of a lion...oh, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

#6 - Red meat may be bad for you. But fuzzy green meat is REALLY bad for you.

#7 - I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger...and then all of a sudden it hit me.

My therapist says I must limit myself to no more than seven in any one 24 hour period...

...which led me to wonder : am I the only one who's worried that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Okay, time for my meds now....

Oh, and:

Yes Greg, I am really sorry. I don't know why I stooped that low, but it's just like being a plasticaholic, once you got it you can't get away from it.

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." 

Stay safe.

Jim