Just a joke for all you seagoers

that's the short version as there is a slightly longer version of it

ya, the long one is good, it goes on longer.

Oft told with many a ship and lighthouses named, I still find it rather amusing.

Dear Admiral,

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.

As you know while visiting foreign ports on our present cadet cruise, the port regulations require that we utilize a Pilot and tug assistance.

We had just picked up the Pilot, and a cadet had returned from changing the “G” flag for the “H”, and being his first cruise, was having difficulty in rolling in the “G” flag. I therefore proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part, I told him to ‘let go’, the lad, although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone. “LET GO”.

At this moment the Executive Officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel’s progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the “let go” to the First Lieutenant on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the ‘pipe’ while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved to much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out “by the roots’. I fear that damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel, unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicle traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck just forward of the 5”mount. My ships company is at present rounding up the contents of the truck, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his effort to stop the progress of the vessel the First Lieutenant then dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operators control station.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph, and personally called the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees, and asked if there was a film tonight; my reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at he forward end of my vessel, back aft, they ware having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go the Operations Officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug, and was lowering the ship’s towing hawser down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to ‘run in under’ the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propellers are answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the Operations Officer in secured the inboard end of the towing hawser delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a massive power outage ashore, the fact that we were passing over a ‘cable area’ at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It s perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the high tension line towers fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my cabin, alternatively crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of records. The tug Captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the hospital corpsman, who has him, handcuffed in the ship’s sick bay where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on the foredeck, which First Lieutenant alertly collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to our railings.

I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the cadet realized that there is no need to fly pilot flag after dark none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/570101 to T/570199 inclusive

Very good, Sharkbait.

If only Nelson were in the Senior service today!

'Order the signal, Hardy.'

'Aye, aye sir.'

'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.

What's the meaning of this?'

'Sorry, sir?'

'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." What gobbledygook
is this?'

'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'

'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.'

'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please’.

'That won't be possible, sir.'

'What?'

'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.' 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.'

'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by
playing the disability card.'

'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

'What? This is mutiny.'

'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

'Actually, sir, we're not.'

'We're not?'

'No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'

'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'

'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.'

'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

'What about sodomy?'

'I believe it's to be encouraged, sir'

'In that case, kiss me, Hardy!.'

Tooooooooooooooo funny Sharkbait!!!!!!!!!!

Here's one I remember reading years ago in the Naval Institute Proceedings.

The U.S. Naval War College frequently opens its courses to officers from allied navies. In one such course, dealing with military leadership, the instructor announced one morning that the day's lecture would deal with the making of important strategic and tactical decisions based on limited information. A Latin-American officer in the back row broke out laughing, and announced that he had the ultimate example.

He had been steaming around the Caribbean on board his destroyer when a message arrived from his country's navy department: "Have just had revolution. Which side are you on?"

Two sailors talking on deck,

1 - I've been here twenty years before the mast.

2 - Ahhh but you cant have, the mast has always been here .

still gotta love things like:

hey, go get the keys to the sea chest

go to hazmat and get some military bearing grease

go see the MPA and get permeission to bottom blow the LT


MM3 (to remain nameless)

Adding to navynuke85's list, some other good ones are:

Go get a bucket of steam.
Bring me (insert ship's length) feet of waterline.
Get some batteries for the sound powered phones.
Setting the mail buoy watch.
Getting a can or bottle of prop wash.

I've often stumped a trainee by asking them where the breaker for the sound powered phones was located. It took the last one three days before she realised what was going on! I especially enjoy seeing non engineering types being given tours, by the time they exit the spaces, the fuel centrifuges are flux capacitors and areas with burnt out lightbulbs are where the dark generators are located!

Oof. I don't know much about the sound-transmitting technology of warships nowadays, but the sound-powered phone is not pure fiction. American warships of WWII used sound-powered phones as part of their damage control systems - for use in case the electrical system went out.

The maritime museum where I used to work acquired a pair of sound-powered phones by way of a donation. I initially thought I was being victimized by somebody with an odd sense of humor, but the museum registrar - a retired Army officer who'd been in communications during WWII - set me straight.

I'm not sure what physical principle made these things operate. (Rudy, the registrar, explained it to me; as I recall it was actually fairly simple, but I've long since forgotten what he told me.) As a matter of fact, he and I hooked up the two old phones and established that they worked. The voice coming out of the earphone was faint, but recognizable.

Yes you betcha sound powered phones are the real deal at least they were when I got out in 1996 still. They can take alot of abuse too you can even get down to where you only have a mouth piece or and ear piece and still communicate although a little more complicated (talk into it then put it to your ear and listen for a reply) but they are the real deal.

Ya can't forget a couple of thousand feet of flight line or an overheard buffer, relative bearing grease and one of the best that happend in my squadron was sending a plane captain out with a pushbroom to sweep the wings on one of our Tomcats. Also and A S H reciever and an I D 10 T form.

 

Tracy

  yep we still have them. they work great when the fires go out on both boilers and the entire ship goes dark.

Don't forget: go to the oil lab and get a steam blanket, or go to hazmat and get some bulkhead remover