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Another cat yarn from Scott

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  • Member since
    December 2003
  • From: 37deg 40.13' N 95deg 29.10'W
Another cat yarn from Scott
Posted by scottrc on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 5:48 PM
For those of us who have cats, and still have some of our sanity left, and since I have gotten a few PMs in regards to my other cat story, I thought I'd share another yarn about Jersey  the cat and Barney, my Labrador Retriever who does his best to keep Jersey from going to the grates.
I posted this a few months ago in the Pearl Harbor GB as an excuse to why I might miss the deadline....

Arizona Update: 11/01/2005

At approximately 7:55am on October 28, a lone unidentified aircraft made its way through both the outer defenses and the secondary defenses set up to protect the dry-dock facilities at Scott's Shipyards.  The attacker came in low under radar and was in stealth mode so that it could not be detected by audiophonic listening devises or the K9 Labrador early warning system.  At about 8 am it made its attack on the Arizona, which was dry-docked and undergoing an extensive remodeling of its superstructure and armament.  The attacker made one run on the Arizona and scored four hits on the defenseless ship.  Damage was superficial on the forward superstructure; however, the rear observation tower and number three turret took a direct hit.  This damage was severe in that the number two TMW PE catapult was about 90% complete and was completely destroyed.  Also, a direct hit was placed on a lone WEM 02 observation plane which was completed and being fitted to the catapult.   This aircraft was a total write-off.

 Repairs to the ship may have set back the completion of the project at least two weeks, which is already experiencing both high cost over-runs and is at risk of missing a December 7th deployment.

 The attacker was picked up on audiophonic listening after it was about to embark on a second attack and was subdued, after a long chase around the dockyard, by intercepting forces.  The pilot was captured and is in lock down undergoing intelligence debriefing.

 The attacker was described as being a very light and agile craft with black and white markings and had stealth capabilities.  It had four primary defense mechanisms that would allow it to impose smashing effects on maritime and aviation structures and also create painful, searing abrasions on human flesh.   Although it sounded like it was powered by an internal combustion engine, it seemed, after evaluating the odors of the exhaust, that it was powered by some organic method of fuel.

 The pilot was described as being 6" tall, 13 1/4 " long, is missing thumbs, wearing a fur flight suite, had yellow slanted eyes, speaks in code of high pitched consonants, and only responds when scratched behind the ears or offered small biscuits made of dried fish.

 A Congressional investigation is being conducted as to why and how the primary defenses were left open to the shipyard and extensive training in shipyard security procedures will be conducted to all staff and family members of the shipyard.

 Further training and evaluation will be conducted on the K9 Labrador early warning system because it failed to alert the where a bouts of the said attacker to dockyard officials.

 The Senate has asked that a declaration of war be presented and that the attacker be deported to an isolated farm in Southwestern Kansas where it may end up being an evening meal for the resident coyotes, but this proposal was rejected by the House, who has strong, emotional ties to the attacker.

 Pictures are still classified but may be posted when they become declassified.

Scott

  



  • Member since
    December 2003
  • From: Oklahoma
Posted by old soldier on Wednesday, March 1, 2006 6:33 PM
stealth cat strikes again.Laugh [(-D]
Old Soldier, RET. Semper Fi Oooh Rah
  • Member since
    January 2003
Posted by Jeff Herne on Thursday, March 2, 2006 9:05 AM
Scott...the best defense measure one can get is a water-filled super soaker, preferably the hi-powered, battery operated variety.

Jeff
  • Member since
    March 2004
  • From: Kincheloe Michigan
Posted by Mikeym_us on Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:45 AM
naw just squirt the little bugger with ammonia  or at least cover your entire workroom floor with it.

On the workbench: Dragon 1/350 scale Ticonderoga class USS BunkerHill 1/720 scale Italeri USS Harry S. Truman 1/72 scale Encore Yak-6

The 71st Tactical Fighter Squadron the only Squadron to get an Air to Air kill and an Air to Ground kill in the same week with only a F-15   http://photobucket.com/albums/v332/Mikeym_us/

  • Member since
    May 2005
Posted by Ron Smith on Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:56 AM
 Mikeym_us wrote:
naw just squirt the little bugger with ammonia  or at least cover your entire workroom floor with it.


Un........ammonia just invites them to pee where it smells.........lemon juice is a better defense since most felines loather citurs.
  • Member since
    December 2004
  • From: Stockton,Ca
Posted by Hippy-Ed on Friday, March 3, 2006 11:58 PM
 old soldier wrote:
stealth cat strikes again.Laugh [(-D]


Feliney Assault  now datz purrfectWink [;)] think a cat-a-pult is needed as part of the Defense line
If you lose your sense of humor, you've lost everything
  • Member since
    March 2004
  • From: Kincheloe Michigan
Posted by Mikeym_us on Saturday, March 4, 2006 12:40 PM
naw whats better is a pellet gun.

On the workbench: Dragon 1/350 scale Ticonderoga class USS BunkerHill 1/720 scale Italeri USS Harry S. Truman 1/72 scale Encore Yak-6

The 71st Tactical Fighter Squadron the only Squadron to get an Air to Air kill and an Air to Ground kill in the same week with only a F-15   http://photobucket.com/albums/v332/Mikeym_us/

  • Member since
    October 2003
  • From: Canada
Posted by sharkbait on Saturday, March 4, 2006 1:12 PM

CNN reports that the failure of the K-9 Lab early warning system was directly a result of the failure of Operation Dog Biscuit according to a source close to the K-9 program!

Cutbacks in Dog Biscuit supposedly led to serious degredetion in the normally reliable K-9 system.

Rumours of serious budget cuts in order to divert funds to Operation P E  (a classified high end Black program) has led to muliple shortfalls in the Dog Biscuit program.

Operators of the K-9 program used the Beg and Sad Look backup systems but were unable to re-activate Dog Biscuit. This led to a system glitch causing the K-9 Labrador Early Warning System to default to Nap Mode.

The source declined to be identified CNN, however, obtained this photo of the source!

Senate and Congressional investigations are planned.

Scott's Shipyards Management declined to either confirm, deny or comment on the allegations.

You have never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3!

  • Member since
    December 2003
  • From: 37deg 40.13' N 95deg 29.10'W
Posted by scottrc on Saturday, March 4, 2006 2:57 PM
Laugh [(-D]Laugh [(-D]Laugh [(-D]

Funds are being requested from the Department of Finance and Overdrafts for a new replacement to "Dog Biscuit" and the K9 Labrador Early Warning System.  Although this system still works well with threats known as callsign "Squirrel", "Rabbit", Skunk", and "Mailman", it has been neutralized for protecting the fleet and shipyards of the Republic of Scott against "Stealth Kitty".

The replacement defense program is called "Operation Shock Collar"

It has been suggested that the detainee be used to test "Shock Collar", but the contractors who have offered to provide for "Shock Collar" say that the specifications of the test subject for "Shock Collar" are too small.

The function of "Shock Collar" would be to put of a radio wave barrier around the shipyard so when the presence of a shock collar equipped feline comes within distance of the fleet, the intrusive feline would be "coached" into turning away from the vessels.

It would also cause fur to stick strait up.

However, "Shock Collar" is in limbo while waiting for approval from the Ethics and Means Committee.  They did suggest that the Department of Fleet and Shipyard Security try "Bell Collar" instead of "Shock Collar", but the Department for Scott's Sanity and Good Nights Sleep is rejecting the ringy dingy Bell Collar  idea.

Scott

  • Member since
    December 2004
  • From: Stockton,Ca
Posted by Hippy-Ed on Saturday, March 4, 2006 10:00 PM
Scott, operation "Shock Collar" sounds more feasible than the "Ringy-Dingy Collar" They do have them for small, Mobile attackers. Namely of the "ankle biter" brigade. Works quite well... Send this info to the "Committee" and keep us informed of the progress.

Eddie
If you lose your sense of humor, you've lost everything
  • Member since
    October 2003
  • From: Canada
Posted by sharkbait on Sunday, March 5, 2006 10:03 AM

CNN reports that, in an escalation of tensions in the area,  Scott's Shipyards has put a plan in place to augment the Local defense K-9 Lab system with the upgraded K-9R "Rottweiller" system.

This has caused a fury of diplomatic notes from around the world as the K-9R "Rottweiller” system is a long range system with significant "Offensive Capability". In some circles the K9R is viewed by many as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

A UN spokesman was quoted: “We view any deployment of the K-9R "Rottweiller" as a significant threat to peace in the region. A meeting of the Security Council is scheduled to discuss this grave crisis."

Defense experts stated that there are significant problems integrating the K-9R "Rottweiller" and K-9L “Lab” systems as there can be significant conflict between the two operating systems. This is especially true in view of the lack of funding for the Dog Biscuit program and the lack of control demonstrated during attempts at initiating the integrated K-9L and K-9R "Walk" maneuvers. Tests have indicated that both these scenarios can lead to “Blue on Blue" incidents causing significant damage to, if not total destruction of, the local infrastructure.

Citizens in the area adjoining the shipyards are scheduled to stage a protest march later today. Local law enforcement anticipates a large crowd of noisy, potentially violent protesters. Most of those are apposed to the location of the shipyard in the area.

Scott's Management has again declined an invitation to appear on the Larry King show at 11:00 EST on CNN. 

 

 

You have never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3!

  • Member since
    December 2003
  • From: 37deg 40.13' N 95deg 29.10'W
Posted by scottrc on Monday, March 6, 2006 7:42 AM
TO:  Associated Press
FROM: Donald "Rummy" Duck
             Secretary of Department of Fleet and Dockyard Security
             Republic of Scott

                                                                      PRESS RELEASE
                                                          FOR IMDEDIATE RELEASE






We at Scott's Shipyard value the publics support and opinion regarding certian aspects to programs that we, the humble servants voted to serve and protect, decline any knowledge, known and unknown, about these said projects that have been rumored as "Project Rottweiller" and the even about a "Project Pitbull".

They do not exist, your stuck on stupid, don't say they do exist, for there are knowns, and unknowns, and known unknowns of known information that we may, or may not understand about our enemy.

"Project Pitbull" is just a bunch of bull.  Don't get stuck on stupid people.

If we did have a "Project Rottweiller" and even to more greater abolishion, "Project Pitbull", we would assure you, the press, and the people, that all safeguards have been put in place to assure the protection of all and that these programs would be "fixed" in order to have full control and gain full "submission" from each program.

We again emphasize that we do not have in possession a "Rottweiller" nor a "Pitbull" program in developement, and deny to the claims by other parties that we attempted to aquire "YellowLab" in order to make a more powerfull weapon to replace our current conventional "Chocolate Lab" system.

To answer the questions of the cost of these programs, I have entertained a new plan that we may not even need shipyard protection and will support my plan to reduce the size of our fleet, for that we really need not to build our own fleet, but purchase highly detailed, fully authenic and accurate, museum quality, hand build ships through an new purchase program called "Project ebay".

Beast Regards.
Donald



I really, really, need to stop watching CNN while building.
Scott



  • Member since
    December 2004
  • From: Stockton,Ca
Posted by Hippy-Ed on Monday, March 6, 2006 10:14 AM
And there you have it folks.... The rest of the story.

Good Day.
If you lose your sense of humor, you've lost everything
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