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On The Lighter Side.

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  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Tuesday, March 26, 2024 5:02 PM

I just got fired from the ice cream factory...because I can't work sundaes.... Embarrassed

Then more bad news: I have a disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it's terminal.

But I'm still hoping to delay my departure....

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Tuesday, March 26, 2024 7:55 AM

Hi;

     I told a friend I am a wellspring of ideas. He looked around and said flatly"I think the spring dried up"!

  • Member since
    July 2008
Posted by Est.1961 on Monday, March 25, 2024 1:07 PM

I like Yes

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Monday, March 25, 2024 11:53 AM

fox
A man and wife were having some problems at home....

I told my wife ten puns, hoping at least one would make her laugh.

Sadly...

No pun in ten did.

Wink

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Sunday, March 24, 2024 8:30 PM

The Silent Treatment 

A man and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early mourning flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and loose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew that she would find it . The next mourning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up". Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - --- - - - - - -- - - - -- - -- - - - - - - -----

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Stay safe.

Jim Big Smile 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Sunday, March 24, 2024 10:05 AM

Est.1961

Did you get a haircut? No all of them.

 

I took my pet bird to the vet for a checkup.
After the examination, the Doc said the bird had a bad case of chirpees.
But it's okay -- it's tweetable.

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    July 2008
Posted by Est.1961 on Saturday, March 23, 2024 3:39 PM

Did you get a haircut? No all of them.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Saturday, March 23, 2024 3:21 PM

Did you hear about the poor man found dead in a vat of crushed chickpeas, lemon juice and olive oil?

Police are treating it as a hummuside....

Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, March 21, 2024 6:31 PM

OK! Here's a couple more.

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me so beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed said........."HEBREWS"

Tune in tomorrow for some more words of wisdom.

Stay safe.

Jim Big Smile

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Wednesday, March 20, 2024 9:28 PM

Ok guys,buckle up, I've got a few good ones.

Marriage Seminar

While attanding a Marriage Seminar dealing with Communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes." He addressed Tom. "Can you name your wifes favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched Grace's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Wife vs. Husband 

A couple were driving down a country road for several miles not saying aword. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "ln-laws."

More later.

Stay safe.

Jim Big Smile

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Friday, March 15, 2024 10:08 AM

OY!

  • Member since
    April 2020
Posted by Eaglecash867 on Friday, March 15, 2024 9:37 AM

gregbale
If I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible... ...does that make me an eighth-eist? 

Why would a dyslexic alien potentially make a good DEA agent?

Because he has a habit of walking up to the first person he sees, saying "Take me to your dealer."

"You can have my illegal fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers...which are...over there somewhere."

  • Member since
    November 2003
  • From: Nashville, TN area
Posted by bobbaily on Friday, March 15, 2024 9:31 AM

Always good to start the day, much less the weekend, with some humor.

Thanks

Bob

 

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, March 15, 2024 8:40 AM

Eaglecash867

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? 

He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

If I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible...

...does that make me an eighth-eist? Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    April 2020
Posted by Eaglecash867 on Friday, March 15, 2024 8:26 AM

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

 

He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

"You can have my illegal fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers...which are...over there somewhere."

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, March 15, 2024 6:42 AM

Back from hibernation.... Big Smile

*I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. He gave me thirteen. I said "Sir, you gave me one extra."

He said: "That's a free bee."

**Do you think a mind controlled air freshener is a good idea?

It makes scents when you think about it.

***My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had nine toes.

She was lack toes intolerant....

****I decided NOT to connect all my wristwatches together into a belt.

It would just be a waist of time.

*****Gazing down at the three holes he'd just finished digging, the man said...

"Well, well, well...."

******If someone from Holland married a Philippino...

...would their kids be Hollappiños?

*******My wife says I have two major faults: I don't listen...

...and something else. Wink

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, January 19, 2024 12:27 PM

See you and raise.

*I'm SO boring...

... when I was a child, my imaginary friend faked its own death.

* Where do snowmen deposit their paychecks?

In a snowbank.

*The sky was looking ominous this morning, so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That’s when I realized I had left my phone on Airplane mode.

Keep smiling! Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Wednesday, January 17, 2024 7:01 PM

OK! Was sitting and checking out the latest AARP Bulletin and saw these words of wisdom in the Witty & Wise section. 

Terry: I haven't forgiven you for putting superglue on my pen.

Larry: Twenty years later and you still can't let that go?

           Wally: I've been hitting the gym hard this month.

           Holly: Did you loose any weight?

           Wally: No, but I broke my hand.

Bill: Can you describe yourself in 3 words?

Will: Yes. Lazy.

           Doctor: Your problem is that you sit too much.

           Patient: I understand.

           Doctor: Exactly.

Stay safe.

Jim Embarrassed

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Tuesday, January 16, 2024 2:21 PM

OMG!!!!!! My sides are hurting from laughing. 

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Tuesday, January 16, 2024 10:08 AM

For the many, many (many) out there who may ever have had cause to question my sanity...let us take 'a visit to the psychiatrist.'

[BTW I'm NOT crazy: my mother had me tested.]

[BTBTW -- they're not (all) his jokes...but these work really well if you imagine Rodney Dangerfield's voice, while reading.Big Smile]

*I told my psychiatrist I thought I was a pair of curtains.

He told me to pull myself together.... 

*But seriously, my psychiatrist gave me a Rorschach test. I said, "Who is this Rorschach guy...and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?"

*When I started therapy, I asked the psychiatrist "So, how does this work? Do I just lie on the couch?”

The psychiatrist answered, “Actually, it works much better if you tell the truth.”

*To whoever stole my antidepressant pills...I hope you're happy now.

*I told my psychiatrist that I think I can see into the future.

He asked, “When did this start?”

I replied, “Next Tuesday.”

*I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that “No one understands me.”

He said, “What do you mean by that?”

*I told my psychiatrist that I was dreaming I was a deck of cards.

He said it’s something we should deal with.

*My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues.

I’ll show him.

*A psychiatrist once diagnosed me as a kleptomaniac.

I said, “Doctor...is there anything I can take for it?”

*A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his study and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he’s invisible.”

The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

And for those of you who were afraid this would never end...there's lightIdea at the end of the tunnel:

*How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes ONE...but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change....

Please pay the receptionist on your way out....Propeller

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Tuesday, January 9, 2024 11:28 AM

John, Greg, Tojo - Great stuff.

Sorry for being absent for the past few days. The wall-to-wall carpets are being cleaned. Spent the last couple of days moving everything that could be moved out of the way. My workroom is carpeted too so SWMBO ordered a complete overhaul of the loft. It doesn't look the same now. Hope I can find everything when they are done and I can get back in there. Didn't have to do my walk on the treadmill because I made enough trips up and down the stairs to the loft bringing stuff down. Starting tomorrow mourning I'll be bringing it back up. As that famous star said "I'll be Baaack".

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, January 5, 2024 4:37 PM

Just a few from the social media cesspool to get you started for the weekend.... Big Smile

*I know a man who is addicted to brake fluid -- he says he can stop any time he wants.

*I keep telling my family I'll go jogging with them in the morning -- but then I don't go.

It's a running joke.

*What do you call a little Irish man who lives on the back porch?

Paddy O'Furniture

*How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

*Did you ever hear the "Soap Song?"

Let me sing about eight bars for you....

Propeller Enjoy y'alls' weekend! BeerDrinksToast

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    April 2003
  • From: USA
Posted by keavdog on Thursday, January 4, 2024 4:56 PM

Those are great Tony.

During World War II, a Spitfire pilot from 331 Squadron (Norwegian) was the guest of the local tea club, speaking of his squadron's exploits in the ongoing air war. "There we were over the channel, when suddenly a bunch of Fokkers dived out the sun. We broke into them and began shooting the Fokkers down." The host stood up and reminded the attendees that a Fokker was a type of German aircraft, to which the Norwegian pilot replied "Ya, and some of the Fokkers were Messerschmitts!" 

Thanks,

John

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Western North Carolina
Posted by Tojo72 on Thursday, January 4, 2024 11:59 AM

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Thursday, January 4, 2024 9:05 AM

Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 42...

...though his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was 108. Big Smile

Happy New Year everybody!!! Propeller

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, January 1, 2024 10:15 PM

Nice! Nice! Keep up the good work Greg. Yes

Going through my pile of "stuff" to pick out the good stuff. 

Have a safe and prosperous New Year.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Saturday, December 30, 2023 5:07 PM

As though we haven't all suffered enough in 2023...what better way to celebrate a New Year, than with some Old Jokes?

(The rumor that these are taken directly from an issue of "My Weekly Reader" dated about 1962 is a scurrilous untruth.)

(It was actually 1961.)Wink

*Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31st.

*What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

*They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated: every year they drop the ball!

*Why should you stand on one leg on New Year's Eve? To start the new year on the right foot.

But seriously, folks...Here's hoping for a peaceful and prosperous New Year for us all! (And that's no joke!) Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Friday, December 29, 2023 10:53 PM

ARRRRRRrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Close as I could get)Wink

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    May 2011
  • From: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posted by Real G on Friday, December 29, 2023 2:29 PM

Argh, you guys are killing me.

Has anyone mentioned that CA glue can be habit forming, but epoxy can be cured?

Chewie, quick, get us out of here!

 

“Ya ya ya, unicorn papoi!”

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