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On The Lighter Side.

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fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
On The Lighter Side.
Posted by fox on Sunday, November 26, 2023 7:56 PM

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.                                         2. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.                                             3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.                             4. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.       5. It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.                                                   6. If all is not lost, where is it?                                                                           7. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.                                               8. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.                                       9. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go                       somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.                10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Hope that the above put a smile on your face. At a later date, I'll put a few more words of wisdom here. Big Smile

Stay safe.

Jim Captain 

Sorry it didn't print out the way that I typed it.

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    August 2021
Posted by lurch on Monday, November 27, 2023 6:16 AM

The best part of that is some of it is realy true. 

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, November 27, 2023 11:58 AM

Lurch, when you get to be my age, you'll find out that it's ALL true. Wink

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2013
Posted by patrick206 on Monday, November 27, 2023 4:46 PM

One more to include:

Remember, the controls on your toaster are connected to absolutely nothing.

Patrick

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, November 27, 2023 11:38 PM

Very true Patrick, but it's difficult to understand why when I'm finally holding all the cards, does everyone want to play chess? 

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Tuesday, November 28, 2023 10:02 AM

Hey Fox!

 Stop following me around and writing about it,LOL,LOL,LOL!

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Tuesday, November 28, 2023 11:45 AM

Well, I think that I can honestly say that I have 4 of us smiling, so, would you care to see if we can keep this going? I have quite a few of these little bits of wisdom that I would be happy to share. If you have some, share them with us 1, 2, or 3 at a time. With all the rediculous stuff going on in the world today maybe we can be a small bright spot that will spread. If not, we tried. Life is too short and friends are too few.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Did you know that ham and eggs is a days work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.Sleep

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    December 2008
  • From: UK
Posted by PatW on Tuesday, November 28, 2023 4:24 PM

Yes for mee about all of it true! Thank you and yes a big laugh and smile!

Remember , common sense is not common.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Wednesday, November 29, 2023 11:18 AM

Smiling? Oh, You Betchya!

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Wednesday, November 29, 2023 6:29 PM

OK, here's a few more. 

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, November 30, 2023 5:11 PM

And a few more.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

And finally for today; Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Feel free to use any of the above on someone you think deserves it. Anybody got any to add? I know there are millions of these funny one-liners out there, and thats only the ones that we can safely use.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Friday, December 1, 2023 6:53 AM

Hey!

 Alright now! This has got me cracking up!

 Problem ! Many more cracks and I'll fall apart! Luv it and keep it up !

  • Member since
    March 2013
Posted by patrick206 on Friday, December 1, 2023 4:59 PM

Why did the armadillo cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

What do they call an armadillo in Lousiiana? Possum on the half shell.

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

My eyesight is so bad, I can't even see paying taxes.

Why do 747's have the big hump over the nose? So the Captains can sit on their wallets.

I'm so broke if it cost a nickel to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.

Do you ever get the feeling life is a tuxedo, and you're a pair of brown shoes? (George Goebel, on the Tonight Show.)

Patrick

 

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Saturday, December 2, 2023 6:57 AM

What's a speed bump in Texas? An Armidillo!

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Saturday, December 2, 2023 5:34 PM

Lol, lol, lol, lol. That's more like it guys. Keep them coming.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Beer

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

That's all for now. More later. As a comedian once said (I can't remember his name right now), "I've got a million of 'em". And another one said "The best is yet to come".

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2013
Posted by patrick206 on Sunday, December 3, 2023 11:39 PM

What do you call a fish with two knees? A twoknee fish.

Reportedly a true story, if not it's still a good one. Two policemen on patrol in a department cruiser at night, at a red light waiting to proceed straight ahead when the light turns green for them. The street they'll be crossing is a one way, from their left to right.

As the light turns green they look in the direction of the traffic to their left, ensuring all cars are stopped at the red light, then they pull ahead to cross the street. After just a few feet a drunk driver going the wrong way, plows right into the passenger door of the cruiser and the guys can't get out, with the drunks car pinning the door closed.

So they both scramble out the drivers door, running around the back to get to the drunks window. Now the crash is about 15 seconds old. The drunk looks out of his window and sees the uniforms and badges, unsteadedly he says, "dang, you guys sure got here quick."

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

The Queen is hosting an African King. As they leave the palace in a horse drawn royal coach, one of the horses lets loose an explosive _art. The Queen is of course mortified, saying "Oh, your Highness, I'm so sorry." The King says, "Oh, I thought it was the horse."   

Patrick

 

 

 

 

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, December 4, 2023 4:23 PM

Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile I like them! I like them!

Ever get the feeling your "stuff" strutted off without you?

I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

And finally for today. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Tuesday, December 5, 2023 5:25 PM

A friend of mine sent me a few pages of military one-liners. I think I'll stretch these out to 1 or 2 at a time. Some have a book or name of a person that the line is taken from.

From the "Infantry Journal". If the enemy is in range, so are you.

From "U.S. Army Ordnance". Tracers work both ways.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2013
Posted by patrick206 on Wednesday, December 6, 2023 2:22 PM

Always try to make good investments. Buy an adding machine, that's what really counts.

 

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Wednesday, December 6, 2023 6:18 PM

"Finally got my head together...but it's way-y-y shinier than I ever intended!" Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Wednesday, December 6, 2023 7:38 PM

Allright, allright, allright. Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile

"Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S**t!"

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?"  The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - - -Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

PS - Keep 'em coming. I got a lot more.

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Thursday, December 7, 2023 1:06 PM

Okay, if we're going to go 'high concept'...

I met a guy who writes music for sewing machines.

He's a Singer/songwriter.

Or sew it seams.... Big Smile

(I'll get my hat and coat and leave quietly....)

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, December 7, 2023 5:56 PM

Great one greg!!!Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile

My wife was sitting on the couch and asked what I was laughing at. I told her your joke. She's been a seamstress for all her life and thought it was great too. 

U.S. Air Force Manual - It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

General Douglas MacArthur - "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, December 8, 2023 10:26 AM

fox
My wife was sitting on the couch and asked what I was laughing at. I told her your joke. She's been a seamstress for all her life and thought it was great too. 

Happy to serve!

Rather...um...less high-concept, straight-out ripped-off of social media:

What's the last thing "Tickle-me Elmo" gets before he leaves the factory?

Test-tickles. Embarrassed

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Friday, December 8, 2023 11:19 AM

I'll stop laughing in about an hour or so.

Infantry Journal - "Five second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.....ONCE."

USAF Ammo Troop - "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Sunday, December 10, 2023 5:07 PM

When one engine fails on a twin-engined airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 --- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2013
Posted by patrick206 on Sunday, December 10, 2023 9:35 PM

A 727 is #2 on the ILS, a Mooney is #!. The 727 is closing too fast on the slower Mooney, so the controller says to the 727 crew, due to slower traffic ahead, make a 360 to the right.

The 727 responds, "do you realize it costs nearly a thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?

The controller: OKAY Sir, give me nearly a thousand dollar turn to the right.

A British Airways 747 is approaching JFK, skunky weather and dense traffic, the controller is unable to issue a lower altitude and JFK is getting closer steadily. The descent should have begun by about 90 miles out.

Finally as the 747 is about 20 miles out the controller asks, "Speedbird 246 are you able to descend 35 thousand feet in the next 15 miles?" The Captain responds: "Well old boy, I'm sure I can, but I'm afraid I cahn't bring the aircrahft with me."

Old stories they have been around since about forever, even if partially true or not at all, still a good laugh.

Patrick

 

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Monday, December 11, 2023 5:22 PM

Jim, I hope you're properly ashamed of yourself for enabling my addiction.... Wink

Ahem.

#1 - What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

#2 - Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

#3 - "Waitress, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"That's funny...it was just ground this morning."

#4 - You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

#5 - My grandfather has the heart of a lion...oh, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

#6 - Red meat may be bad for you. But fuzzy green meat is REALLY bad for you.

#7 - I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger...and then all of a sudden it hit me.

My therapist says I must limit myself to no more than seven in any one 24 hour period...

...which led me to wonder Idea: am I the only one who's worried that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Okay, time for my meds now....Whistling

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Monday, December 11, 2023 5:42 PM

Oh, and:

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, December 11, 2023 11:16 PM

Yes Greg, I am really sorry. I don't know why I stooped that low, but it's just like being a plasticaholic, once you got it you can't get away from it. Wink

 

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." 

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

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