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On The Lighter Side.

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  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Wednesday, December 13, 2023 11:12 AM

Back by [total absence of] popular demand... straight from depths of the internet to you, the 'magnificent seven' raises its ugly head once more.

#1 - I asked my date to meet me at the gym...but she never showed up.

That's how I knew we weren't going to work out....

#2 - I have two dogs, one named Rolex and one named Timex.

They're both watch dogs.

#3 - I accused my wife of putting glue all over my rifle collection.

She denies it...but I'm sticking to my guns.

#4 - I asked my family for a globe for my birthday, but I didn't get it.

It would have meant the world to me.

#5 - I heard by law you're supposed to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the h*ll am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

#6 - All my friends tell me I'm the cheapest guy in the world...but I'm not buying it.

#7 - Have you heard of the blind Cyclops brothers?

Neither have eye....

Thank you ladies and germs, you've been a great audience! Be sure and tip your wait staff. Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Wednesday, December 13, 2023 2:52 PM

Lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol.

If and when I stop laughing I'll post some more.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

PS - I guess we're the only ones that like to have a good laugh once in a while.

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    November 2003
  • From: Nashville, TN area
Posted by bobbaily on Wednesday, December 13, 2023 3:52 PM

fox

 

Jim Captain

PS - I guess we're the only ones that like to have a good laugh once in a while.

 

Not true Jim-I've been enjoying the entries from the start-thank you all.

Bob

 

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, December 14, 2023 12:39 PM

Didn't mean to leave anyone out, just trying to get others to join in. The news and a lot of the TV shows today, pardon my french, suck. We need more fun stuff to cheer us up. As I was considered, mistakenly by some, to be one of the class clowns I try to live up to my reputation whenever the opportunity arrises. I don't think my wife  has ever laughed at one of my jokes in the 35 years we've been married. I just get the "Oh s**t, here he goes again" look. But, I keep tryimg. One of these days I'll come up with a good one and she'll laugh, and I'll be on the floor with a heart attack. Sooooooooooo, until that day comes, I'll keep trying to cheer people up, even if it's with other peoples jokes. Wink

U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. - "You, you, and you....Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

Unknown Marine Recruit - "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

"If the wings are traveling faster that the fuselage, its probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Thursday, December 14, 2023 1:08 PM

Alright, people, I can keep this up all day....

#1 - Before it was carved, Mount Rushmore's striking beauty was unpresidented.

#2 - There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant...so I decided not to take sides.

#3 - A man walked into his house and discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

He was delighted.

#4 - I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

#5 - I refused to believe my roadworker brother was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

#6 - My girlfriend told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."

#7 - I have an inferiority complex...but it's not a very good one.

(Credit where it's due, I believe that last one's a line from the brilliantly dead-pan and out-there comedian Steven Wright.)

Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    April 2003
  • From: USA
Posted by keavdog on Thursday, December 14, 2023 2:57 PM

Ha!  Funny stuff here.  Very Steven Wright-ish.

What happened to the fat lady when she backed into the fan?  Disaster.

 

Thanks,

John

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Thursday, December 14, 2023 4:07 PM

keavdog
Ha!  Funny stuff here.  Very Steven Wright-ish.

Steven Wright has been my favorite comedian since I saw his first-ever appearance on Johnny Carson back in 1982. My single favorite line of his sums up his whole weird universe:

"I have voices in my head...but all they ever say is 'Shut up, we weren't talking to you....'" Bow DownBig Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, December 14, 2023 10:18 PM

Those were great. Took me a while to stop laughing from the last batch.

Greg, I'm going to send that last one to my brother in Ca.  He has "a thing" he does when talking to friends or neighbors. He'll stop talking all of a sudden, get this crazy look on his face and look up at the sky. When they ask "what's wrong" He says "Shhhhhhh, can't you hear them talking to me?" He's done crazy stuff like that all his life. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

PS - What do you call a turkey running down the road?  Fast food.

 

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Friday, December 15, 2023 9:05 AM

Sometimes;

         I will start a discussion with,"Ladies and Germs and Tubifex worms", and Folks wait for the other shoe to drop. It's just a phrase!

  • Member since
    July 2019
  • From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Posted by Bobstamp on Friday, December 15, 2023 11:22 AM

Unattributed: Never let your airplane take you anywhere that your brain hasn’t visited five minutes before.

On the bench: A diorama to illustrate the crash of a Beech T-34B Mentor which I survived in 1962 (I'm using Minicraft's 1/48 model of the Mentor), and a Pegasus model of the submarine Nautilus of 20,000 Leagues Under the Seas fame. 

  • Member since
    July 2019
  • From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Posted by Bobstamp on Friday, December 15, 2023 12:22 PM

“A fool and his money are soon flying more aircraft than he can handle.”

 

That one brings back a memory of a flight with mortician I knew. He was the only mortician in town, and therefore wealthy, and he had bought a Beech Bonanza, known as a "Dr. Killer" because physicians often bought them, because they could, but didn't have time to learn to fly them, and sometimes died as a result.

 

The Bonanza was about as close to a WWII fighter plane as a civil aircraft could be in those days — fast, powerful, sensitive. The flight with the mortician was fine — I got the aerial photos I wanted. Then we landed. Hard. At the moment when he should have cut the power gradually and let the aircraft flare onto the runway, he just chopped the power — from about 50 feet above runway and the aircraft dropped like a stone. Wham! It survived. The Bonanza was tough. I never flew with that guy again.

 

The Beech T-34 was based on the Bonanza airframe. It was a T-34B that I was in in 1962 when it crashed in a mountain wilderness in New Mexico. Most of aircraft was turned into a what looked like a loose wad of yellow aluminum foil, but the pilot and I survived. Like the Bonanza, the Mentor was a tough airplane. This quote appropriately describes my "landing": in that T-34 Mentor:

 

“A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.”

 

Here's more:

 

“There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. However, there are no old, bold pilots.”

 

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
– Al McGuire

“If black boxes survive air crashes, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?”

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” – Gil Stern

“The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.”

“If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.”

“Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.”

“Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.”

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

Most of these quotes weren't attributed. Let me know if you know the source of any of them.

Bob

On the bench: A diorama to illustrate the crash of a Beech T-34B Mentor which I survived in 1962 (I'm using Minicraft's 1/48 model of the Mentor), and a Pegasus model of the submarine Nautilus of 20,000 Leagues Under the Seas fame. 

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Friday, December 15, 2023 2:15 PM

Hmmmm;

   I saw some of thise same quotes in an aircraft book I was reading before my Solo flight!

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Friday, December 15, 2023 5:17 PM

Hi TB! Thanks for dropping in. You must have many, many jokes and funny stories with your years of being around ships and trains. Dig some up and give us a few laughs.

Hi Bob! Great stuff. Got any more?

Stay Safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Friday, December 15, 2023 5:27 PM

Last one (for this week, at least), I promise. Whistling

#1 - My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said, "40."

#2 - Bigfoot is often confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains...

#3 - I recently started a band called "1023 Megabytes." We haven't gotten a gig yet.

#4 - I was staring at my naked body in the mirror this morning, and suddenly thought to myself:

"I'm gonna get kicked out of this IKEA pretty soon."

#5 - I tried to start a beekeeping business, but it didn't generate any buzz.

#6 - I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Fridays."

And...to get your weekend off to a proper start....

#7 - I was talking to a nurse when she realized she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket. She said, as she frowned slightly, "Some a**hole has my pen."

Drive safely, y'all. Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Saturday, December 16, 2023 11:42 AM

Just a quick note that we're having guests today so I might not be able to hit the computer. And, tomorrow is my stepson and grandsons birthdays so won't be around then either. Will catch up on Monday. That gives anyone time to get some one-liners or jokes together. 

Catch you Monday!

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

PS - The wife just said to shut down the computer, the first car just pulled in. Buyeee.

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Monday, December 18, 2023 6:45 AM

Now!

Play Nice ya heah!

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Monday, December 18, 2023 6:48 AM

I Believe!

     Not sure, but I think "Flying isn't dangerous,Crashing is!" Can be attributed to Wiley Post!

  • Member since
    April 2003
  • From: USA
Posted by keavdog on Thursday, December 21, 2023 8:59 AM

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers. "I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt. "I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided. And Arnold said "I'll be BACH"

 

Thanks,

John

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Thursday, December 21, 2023 9:51 AM

Ba DUM!

  • Member since
    August 2021
Posted by lurch on Friday, December 22, 2023 10:50 PM

Keep up the great work guys. I love them all.

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Saturday, December 23, 2023 9:58 PM

Will do the best I can to keep it going. Have to take a small break as we're having more company than we expected. That's the good and bad news. Love the company but they take away from "me" time too.Wink

Hope more of you read this and send us some of your "one liners" or favorite "joke" or "funny story" so we can keep it going.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Thursday, December 28, 2023 11:05 AM

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
  • Member since
    November 2003
  • From: Nashville, TN area
Posted by bobbaily on Thursday, December 28, 2023 2:39 PM

How many optometrist does it take to change a light bulb?

One or two.....One or two....

 

Bob

 

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Thursday, December 28, 2023 11:09 PM

Allright! Allright! Love them! 

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    October 2019
  • From: New Braunfels, Texas
Posted by Tanker-Builder on Friday, December 29, 2023 5:40 AM

Mary and John had a houseboat. John told Mary to make sure to pull the power plug when she went anywhere. She did. Now why was the boat on the Bottom when they got home. Mary did pull that plug!

  • Member since
    April 2003
  • From: USA
Posted by keavdog on Friday, December 29, 2023 2:10 PM

Man walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders soup.  The waiter brings the soup and later noticed the man hadn't tried it so....

Waiter: Everything to your liking sir?

Man: Try the soup.

Waiter: What is wrong with the soup? Is it too salty?

Man: Just try the soup.

Waiter: Is the soup too hot?

Man: Just try the soup!

Waiter: Is the soup too cold?

Man: Just try the soup!

Waiter: Fine. Where's the spoon?

Man: Ahhh Haaaa!

Thanks,

John

  • Member since
    May 2011
  • From: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posted by Real G on Friday, December 29, 2023 2:29 PM

Argh, you guys are killing me.

Has anyone mentioned that CA glue can be habit forming, but epoxy can be cured?

Chewie, quick, get us out of here!

 

“Ya ya ya, unicorn papoi!”

fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Friday, December 29, 2023 10:53 PM

ARRRRRRrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Close as I could get)Wink

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Towson MD
Posted by gregbale on Saturday, December 30, 2023 5:07 PM

As though we haven't all suffered enough in 2023...what better way to celebrate a New Year, than with some Old Jokes?

(The rumor that these are taken directly from an issue of "My Weekly Reader" dated about 1962 is a scurrilous untruth.)

(It was actually 1961.)Wink

*Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31st.

*What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

*They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated: every year they drop the ball!

*Why should you stand on one leg on New Year's Eve? To start the new year on the right foot.

But seriously, folks...Here's hoping for a peaceful and prosperous New Year for us all! (And that's no joke!) Big Smile

Greg

George Lewis:

"Every time you correct me on my grammar I love you a little fewer."
 
fox
  • Member since
    January 2007
  • From: Narvon, Pa.
Posted by fox on Monday, January 1, 2024 10:15 PM

Nice! Nice! Keep up the good work Greg. Yes

Going through my pile of "stuff" to pick out the good stuff. 

Have a safe and prosperous New Year.

Stay safe.

Jim Captain

 

 

 Main WIP: 

   On the Bench: Artesania Latina  (aka) Artists in the Latrine 1/75 Bluenose II

I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.

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